And When My Mind Runs...

...it runs south. To southern California, that is. I've been thinking for a long while now about moving. Where would I want to go? When? What would I want to do there? How long until I wanted to move again? This is part of being young, and seeking out roots. Tying to find yourself inside a landscape, or a city, or a town. Arriving somewhere and thinking "Yes. Now I'm home." That was how I felt about San Francisco. Coming from a small town, the city felt huge to me and full of possibilities. I still feel this way. Not so much about the size. In reality, San Francisco is a small town compared to other cities of this country. But I still feel a freshness every time I step outside. Like I'm bound to see something new, or stumble upon a street I'd never heard of, or eat food I'd never considered. This is the beauty of a city. It never ceases to be something it's never been before.

I think I found a great part of myself within San Francisco's landscape. But I would be lying if I said I was satisfied with that. Growing up my thought was this: I would live in San Francisco forever, and travel the world with the city as my home base. In fact, up until last year that was still very much my train of thought. And the more I imagined myself staying in San Francisco, the less realistic travel began to feel. But the more I think about moving around and exploring my own country, my own state even, the more likely it seems that I will have the opportunity to find other pieces of myself in other landscapes, and set down multiple sets of roots. A root system that could one day span the globe. You see, I've been limiting myself. I always thought that San Francisco is where I would find my freedom and my feet. But how little sense it makes to aim to stay in one place (an exceptionally small place, at that) while simultaneously aiming to walk the world. I used to think it a waste of time and energy to move from place to place, for only a year or two at a time. But now I think it a waste of time to stay, and do what you've done so many times before.

I feel like I've lived in a pressure cooker my whole life. I've always been high stress, neurotic, and far too responsible. Things needed to get done, get done right, and get done quickly. Over the course of the past year and a half, I've slowly been defrosting. I owe this to San Francisco. I found a more impulsive Lauren here. When you move to a city whose chaos is completely out of your control, you have to learn to relax. And relax I did. And so for awhile I felt "Yes. Now I'm home." But I've been changing, and rapidly. I've always been this way, thirsty for change and the chance to conquer something new. Over the past few months I've been feeling that familiar tug. And this time, the tug is coming from southern California. Perhaps because the cold has begun to get to me. And to be honest, it has. But that's not all of it. I'm ready for a new vibe. I've been saying "that's how we do it in San Francisco" and I'm ready to say something new. I'm ready to find new pieces of myself inside new landscapes. I'm ready to embrace a new way of life. A new, slower speed. I'm ready to learn things from a different breed of people. It may all be one state, but northern California and southern California really are two different worlds. And besides, who can resist this?

 

Manhattan Beach. 

(Not my photo. Got it on Google)

I realize that it's totally unoriginal to want to move to the beach, but I can't control the tug. Anyway, it would be awhile before I went anywhere. I'm not quite finished with this city yet. In all likelihood, I'll end up here again. You see, once you set roots down, it's hard to leave them behind. But like I said, I'm ready. For new roots; new traditions; new stories. 

-LG