Frustrated.

I am feeling so artistically frustrated lately. In my last post I mentioned not being motivated to go out and meet people even though I love it. The same goes for art/craft/creativity. I love it, I'm good at it, I may even have a future in it, but on a day to day basis, I am not motivated to do it. I have a million ideas pouring into my head every day and I never make them happen. The only creativity that gets expressed almost every day is what I wear. I don't like to leave the house unless I'm put together. This is the only area in my life where I can be considered high maintenance, by the way. My wardrobe is the only thing that's an everyday constant. I hate this feeling. While I'm writing this, I'm thinking about what the problem is. Why aren't I motivated? Why don't I feel any sense of relief when I do actually do something? For instance, we're trying to get our apartment feeling more homey and want to hang some art. So I'm working on some pieces for our walls. On Saturday I painted, and it turned out really well. I never work with color and even I think that this time around, I did it well. Roomy loved it. High fives all around. But that's where it stopped. I look at the painting. I think "it's good. I like it". But that's it. No drive to make more, no real sense of accomplishment. Just the acknowledgment that I knew I was able to do it and so I did it. End of story. And this is exactly how I started to feel about school. Good grades stopped meaning anything to me. I've been doing the same things, learning about the same things, for 15 years now. And so it's no surprise that after 15 years, I know how to do school. Sure the teachers are different, the classes are called something different, but the content is all mostly the same. And like anything else that one does over and over and over again, it becomes mundane and redundant. You learn the system, you master the system. I wasn't proud of my work anymore. I wasn't being challenged. This must be part of it. I want to learn new mediums and new art forms. I want to work with metals and resin and stone, I want to work with fabric, I want to be challenged to create something I've never created before.

But there's still another piece missing. It's the hunt. The game. Being pitted against time. Negotiating, haggling, compromising, mediating, shaking hands to seal a deal. I crave that. I love that. I'm so incredibly impatient for the day when I get to do that on a regular basis. Art classes are great. Learning new things is incredible. But there's nothing on the line. There's no risk or consequences. The same with this last semester. Yes my transcripts will now have four F's on them, but other than a few months and the cost of the classes (which I'm paying back to my parents), nothing was lost. That was my rationale for not going to class anymore. What's the worst that would happen? Besides bad grades that can be made up, nothing. In my senior year of high school, a literary magazine was started up. I joined and eventually became the liaison between the school and the printers. On top of that I was responsible for the layout, and making sure it got to the printers on time. I was on the phone with them multiple times a day. I was stressed out of my mind, and I loved every second. There's something so thrilling about knowing that you're being depended on, that at any second you could let someone down. Because when you don't, when you pull through and deliver on exactly what you promised, the feeling of accomplishment is extraordinary. You might wonder, wouldn't this eventually get old too? Constantly pulling through and knowing that you can perform under stress can get redundant, too, right? Possibly. But I really don't think so. Tasks like that, jobs, careers, whatever you want to call them, depend on  so many unknown variables. Every day you're dealing with people you don't know. Are they honest? Are they dependable? Are they hard workers? You don't know. Every day is different. Every day is a mine field, and at any moment you could find yourself standing on top of an active mind that you didn't anticipate. I want that! Perhaps that sounds crazy. But to me it sounds fantastic. So I'm frustrated. Because I don't know what exactly I want to do, or what exactly to work towards. Yes it's fabulous having all this freedom to wander and explore and discover, but the line between "explorer" and "bum" is starting to blur and after a semester of not doing anything, I'm impatient to once again be challenged. And however much I'm enjoying this new "roll with it" attitude, I would like to be "rolling with it" toward something. The other day I had a small panic when it hit me that I'm no longer going to a four year school. Suddenly I was picturing all of my friends graduating and moving on, and who knows what I'll be doing at that point. Even though I know this is what I want and need, it's still hard to let go of all the plans I'd had already. In the same way that little girls have their wedding planned by age seven, a lot of people have their lives planned too. What school you'll go to, what degree, what city, what career, what family. No, I didn't have all of that planned to a tee, but I was on a track of some kind. Suddenly I'm wandering through an open field. There's both a feeling of liberation and extreme vulnerability. Anyway, I've gotten off topic. But I think I've mostly made my point. Until my next rant, good day.

-LG

Not Moving.

Updates! Alright so it's looking like I am not, in fact, moving. It turns out that the evil overlords of our apartment complex were screwing us big time. Roomie's dad is a bossy boss, went to the city rent control office, and got the real story on our lease and what is and is not kosher. So NOW I am in the process of once again finding two new roommates to fill out the second room. The ad has been posted to Craigslist, so now we wait. The thing that has me the most stressed is the time constraint. I have plans to go to Chico next week and I won't be able to go unless all of this mess is squared away. If you're reading this, Roommate Stork, please deliver to me two awesome roommates who are just like me. *Side note: I just pictured what it would be like to have a bunch of Laurens wandering around my apartment. Both awesome and terrifying.*

In the meantime I am at my parent's house again. My dad was in the city on Saturday on bike business (his hobby is restoring and riding bikes. He's quite an enthusiast) and we went out to lunch at Squat & Gobble. Who doesn't like a cheesy crepe? Anyway, it was an impromptu decision to come back with him and I'm glad I did because I got to hang out with Chelsea all day yesterday! All of this back and forth has also meant that I haven't had to grocery shop in about a century, which is saving me skrillaz. Which I then went and spent at Marshalls yesterday. And it felt good. You see, Chelsea's little brother is graduating high school on Friday. And Sunday was his Baccalaureate. Which is held in a church and I didn't have anything appropriate to wear. Golly, I guess that means I had to go shopping! So off to Marshalls I went under the pretense that I needed to buy some kitchen appliances (which I did. Kinda) and I came away with a beautiful chiffon maxi dress and some bitchin Miss Sixty heels, the likes of which I've been wanting for quite some time. (PS. My run on sentences are giving Proust a run for his money). The shoes only cost me $20! At that point you're an idiot to leave them behind. The dress was also around $20 and it's so versatile and just so me. I'm in love. Chelsea's parents were taking pictures so I might be able to hunt one down and show you all the ensemble.

But I guess I should have entitled this post "Not Moving. Yet.", because lately I've been having thoughts about moving. I know I've mentioned that before, and more specifically I mentioned SoCal. But the approaching summer (even though it's June, I'm still saying "approaching" since this cloudy, cold, rainy weather is BS!) and talk of graduation and making plans to see friends has me thinking back to carefree, high school summers. And high school in general. I miss having my best friends with me every day. I miss the times when you didn't have to make plans to see each other because you were all going to the same place anyway. I miss having three whole months to do whatever you wanted with whoever you wanted. And I never thought I'd hear myself say these things. I was so ready to get out of high school and away from this town and the people in it. I was excited by the chance to strike out on my own. But the fact is, I've been like that my entire life. I've been "on my own". I've always been independent and prepared for change at any moment. I adjust very quickly to new situations and I'm usually excited by the prospect of my world being upside down for awhile. I thrive on that kind of thing. But I can't deny it any longer: I miss my friends and I don't understand why it's an unwritten requirement that we move away from the people we love when it's time for college. Of course I see the value in it. You learn a lot about yourself when you're forced to meet new people and open up to new groups and kinds of thought. But if we have people in our lives who make us happy, and make us better, and we're miserable when we're away from them, why do we ever leave? The thing is, I'm content with my solitude. I've always been that way. I'm used to being alone and a lot of the time I prefer it. The downside to this is that I'm not highly motivated to go out and meet new people. I love meeting new people. I want new people in my life, and new experiences. I'm just not motivated to make it happen. I'm not happy this way, not in the best sense of the word. But I'm content and functional. I'm tired of just being functional. The people in my life who make me happy, and make me better, have been in my life for years and years. So yes, maybe I'm more dependent on them than I would have liked to admit a few years ago. But I can admit it now. I'm much more outgoing and active when I'm with those people. I want that back. And this has me thinking pretty seriously about the possibility of moving to Chico. Not permanently, but maybe for a year. SoCal is still on the table as well, but moving there with friends would be even better. I want somewhere warm and somewhere with people I love. At this point in my life and my education, I'm pretty free to roam. Since I'm no longer attending a four year university, and won't be for awhile, I have some room to move around and adventure. So why not Chico for awhile? Why not SoCal? Yeah it'll be awhile before this move happens. But awhile can go by in the blink of an eye.

-LG

Moving.

I'm here to apologize for my recent lack of posts/recipe updates. Things are in a shambles here on the homefront. It turns out that I have to move out of my apartment and I have very little time to find a new place. While I'm excited by the prospect of moving and experiencing new neighborhoods and routines, and possibly a house/apartment with a decent sized kitchen, I'm also incredibly stressed by the time constraint and by the fact that it wasn't my idea. How did this happen, you ask? Three out of four of the roomies were on the lease. When one of them moved out, she obviously wanted off the lease. Well it turns out that if one person goes off, we all do. That isn't a problem in and of itself. The problem arose when we were told that if we want to sign a new lease and keep this apartment, our rent would go from $1750 to $2450 starting July 1st. For lack of a more appropriate reaction, fuck. Fuck. So now Roomie and I are going to pay for June, cover the other half between us, while she looks for more roommates to fill this place out, and I look for somewhere else entirely to live. I've already sent out a bunch of emails but I know from experience that people rarely respond. I'm usually on the non-responding side. Lemme just tell you, the receiving side (or non-receiving side, I should say) really sucks. We do have the option of moving more people into this apartment to cheapen our rent, but here's the downside to that: starting in the fall I'm going to be attending a different school. Which means I'll be commuting to school and to wherever I end up working. If I move out, I have the opportunity to move somewhere that cuts down on my commuting costs and that's in an area replete with job opportunities. I also have the opportunity to move into a neighborhood that's actually in San Francisco, and not down in the gray fog belt, in an area that might as well be considered Daly City. This is why I'm excited. But now the pressure is going to be majorly on in August for me to find a job that pays more than what I was making before. My costs will be higher in every way and that stresses me out. This is all a part of the adventure and I'm looking forward to every second of it, but bear with me if I'm absent for awhile. Things just got real hectic real fast. In the meantime, I hope you're all enjoying June!

-LG