Frustrated.

I am feeling so artistically frustrated lately. In my last post I mentioned not being motivated to go out and meet people even though I love it. The same goes for art/craft/creativity. I love it, I'm good at it, I may even have a future in it, but on a day to day basis, I am not motivated to do it. I have a million ideas pouring into my head every day and I never make them happen. The only creativity that gets expressed almost every day is what I wear. I don't like to leave the house unless I'm put together. This is the only area in my life where I can be considered high maintenance, by the way. My wardrobe is the only thing that's an everyday constant. I hate this feeling. While I'm writing this, I'm thinking about what the problem is. Why aren't I motivated? Why don't I feel any sense of relief when I do actually do something? For instance, we're trying to get our apartment feeling more homey and want to hang some art. So I'm working on some pieces for our walls. On Saturday I painted, and it turned out really well. I never work with color and even I think that this time around, I did it well. Roomy loved it. High fives all around. But that's where it stopped. I look at the painting. I think "it's good. I like it". But that's it. No drive to make more, no real sense of accomplishment. Just the acknowledgment that I knew I was able to do it and so I did it. End of story. And this is exactly how I started to feel about school. Good grades stopped meaning anything to me. I've been doing the same things, learning about the same things, for 15 years now. And so it's no surprise that after 15 years, I know how to do school. Sure the teachers are different, the classes are called something different, but the content is all mostly the same. And like anything else that one does over and over and over again, it becomes mundane and redundant. You learn the system, you master the system. I wasn't proud of my work anymore. I wasn't being challenged. This must be part of it. I want to learn new mediums and new art forms. I want to work with metals and resin and stone, I want to work with fabric, I want to be challenged to create something I've never created before.

But there's still another piece missing. It's the hunt. The game. Being pitted against time. Negotiating, haggling, compromising, mediating, shaking hands to seal a deal. I crave that. I love that. I'm so incredibly impatient for the day when I get to do that on a regular basis. Art classes are great. Learning new things is incredible. But there's nothing on the line. There's no risk or consequences. The same with this last semester. Yes my transcripts will now have four F's on them, but other than a few months and the cost of the classes (which I'm paying back to my parents), nothing was lost. That was my rationale for not going to class anymore. What's the worst that would happen? Besides bad grades that can be made up, nothing. In my senior year of high school, a literary magazine was started up. I joined and eventually became the liaison between the school and the printers. On top of that I was responsible for the layout, and making sure it got to the printers on time. I was on the phone with them multiple times a day. I was stressed out of my mind, and I loved every second. There's something so thrilling about knowing that you're being depended on, that at any second you could let someone down. Because when you don't, when you pull through and deliver on exactly what you promised, the feeling of accomplishment is extraordinary. You might wonder, wouldn't this eventually get old too? Constantly pulling through and knowing that you can perform under stress can get redundant, too, right? Possibly. But I really don't think so. Tasks like that, jobs, careers, whatever you want to call them, depend on  so many unknown variables. Every day you're dealing with people you don't know. Are they honest? Are they dependable? Are they hard workers? You don't know. Every day is different. Every day is a mine field, and at any moment you could find yourself standing on top of an active mind that you didn't anticipate. I want that! Perhaps that sounds crazy. But to me it sounds fantastic. So I'm frustrated. Because I don't know what exactly I want to do, or what exactly to work towards. Yes it's fabulous having all this freedom to wander and explore and discover, but the line between "explorer" and "bum" is starting to blur and after a semester of not doing anything, I'm impatient to once again be challenged. And however much I'm enjoying this new "roll with it" attitude, I would like to be "rolling with it" toward something. The other day I had a small panic when it hit me that I'm no longer going to a four year school. Suddenly I was picturing all of my friends graduating and moving on, and who knows what I'll be doing at that point. Even though I know this is what I want and need, it's still hard to let go of all the plans I'd had already. In the same way that little girls have their wedding planned by age seven, a lot of people have their lives planned too. What school you'll go to, what degree, what city, what career, what family. No, I didn't have all of that planned to a tee, but I was on a track of some kind. Suddenly I'm wandering through an open field. There's both a feeling of liberation and extreme vulnerability. Anyway, I've gotten off topic. But I think I've mostly made my point. Until my next rant, good day.

-LG