Over the past few days I've been thinking a lot about "The Big Break" and taking some actual steps toward making it happen. Mostly I've been researching schools in my area that offer classes I'm interested in. That, and laying in bed at 2 a.m. while my mind runs, trying to focus my thoughts toward what I really, really want. This also applies to laying in bed at 11 a.m. refusing to get up. Like today, for instance. But once I did get out of bed, I started looking at Academy of Art. The summer between my Sophomore and Junior year of high school, I did their summer program and loved it. The figure drawing charcoals I have posted on my Art page are from that summer. I requested some information from them and should be getting it in the mail within the next week. So now, of course, I can think of nothing else but the possibility of returning to Academy of Art. I mean I have a T-Shirt from there already, so...
Here's the thing, though: I'm not an impulsive person by nature. I hope to become more impulsive, but planning to be impulsive is an oxymoron and the two cancel each other out. However, when I'm experiencing periods of desperation like I am right now, I become...well, desperate. I grasp at straws. Any passably good idea becomes my salvation and I run with it. For example, last year (a decidedly awful year for me) had me looking at out of state schools to transfer to. I landed on University of Oregon. Don't ask me what my reasoning there was, because I don't remember. But my plan was that I would move up to Oregon, live there for a year to get residency, and eventually transfer in. This was all decided within a few days, and a few days after that I was telling everybody I talked to that I was moving to Oregon. Funny how I'm only impulsive when it comes to life altering decisions. What the hell is that about? And now I'm planning "The Big Break" which, if we're being honest, is basically me dropping out of school and becoming a gypsy. A life long dream of mine, by the way. Anyway! I ended up admitting to myself that the pain I was experiencing and the difficulties I was having functioning every day had nothing to do with SF State or San Francisco in general, and everything to do with me. Moving to Oregon wouldn't be the answer to my problems, it would simply give them a new address. I'm looking back on that time and I can feel the shackle tightening around my ankle. The ball and chain of doubt. Is this the right decision? Is this a cop out? Am I being weak, or lazy? Then there are the doubts yelling at me from the other side of the fence. If I do it, will I fail? Am I good enough? Skilled enough? Creative enough? When I really sit down and think about it, I do still think this could be a very good thing for me. When I think about it, all I feel is excitement, whereas with "Operation Oregon" I was constantly filled with a sickening sense of dread and fear of leaving my family. But excitement can't keep the doubt at bay. I'm afraid of squandering the year away and not making any real progress. I'll still have to work during the year and I'm afraid that I'll put everything into my job and tell myself I'm "too tired" for any of my goals. I know that making sure those things don't happen is entirely up to me, but I'm nervous nonetheless. Anyhow, all of that is meant to act as an intro to my consideration of Academy of Art. My pros and cons, if you will. I spoke to an admissions counselor on the phone today and man can those bastards sell a school. I knew this already from previous experience. They can market like no other. And I shouldn't call her a bastard, she was really very nice and helpful. She asked me what some of my deciding factors would be in saying yay or nay, and I told her my main one is finances. Academy of Art is a private university, and on top of that it's an art school. Tuition is astronomical. It's something like $20,000 a year. I cringe at the near $3,000 my parents shuck out for me at State, so the thought of 20 grand has me dry heaving into a paper bag. Price=con. However, at one point she asked me what I wanted to do with an art background, and I told her that I didn't want to live my life being an artist, doing art for art's sake. If I found that that satisfied me, I'd be spending every spare moment doing just that. And clearly that's not how I spend my free time. She reminded me that Academy of Art isn't based on art for art's sake, as some other art schools are. It's an art for industry school, meaning that not only are you trained in the fundamentals of your concentration, but you're also being prepared for "the industry" by professors who are active in "the industry" themselves. And this is important to me, because as I've mentioned before, I want to be able to own my own business someday. Industry=pro.
Needless to say, I'm torn. Back in early December I was thinking for a few days about USF and possibly transferring there (I know, I know, but I'm not as flighty as I'm coming across in this post) and tuition there is also very high. But my dad told me not to worry about the money, that it would work itself out. I can't seem to get to that point. I've always been incredibly aware of money, how much things cost, and spending as little as possible. I know that financial aid is an option but I'm not the only member of my family in school right now. I don't know, folks, I just do not know. Not that anything needs to be decided right now, but I'm in the thick of a desperate phase and I'm looking hard for solutions.
If you've made it this far, props to you for stickin with me through all my wishy-washy ramblings. In other news, I have my first soccer practice tonight! Roomie and I are just so excited, we can't contain ourselves. So I'm going to go now and stretch for the next 30 minutes, even though that's about one third of the amount of time my muscles will need to make it through tonight alive. Until next time, all!
-LG
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